The small print

football-data.org. Every result, fixture and table on here comes from them, refreshed a few times a day and live while Newcastle or Sunderland are playing. We rebuild the table ourselves using the Premier League's tie-break rules and check it against theirs.

A count of bad signs. Each one is either bad for Sunderland or it isn't, with no weighting and no made-up units:

• they're in the bottom three
• one win or fewer in their last five
• they've conceded two a game or more over the last five
• two or more defeats in a row, or four games without a win
• they lost the last derby
• their last home crowd was under 90% of the Stadium of Light's 49,000 (only when there's an official figure)

If we can't measure something, it isn't counted. More red blocks, more misery. That's it.

We rate every team's attack and defence from this season's results (and a bit of last season's), then play the rest of the season 50,000 times. Sunderland's chance of going down is how often they finished in the bottom three. Same idea for Newcastle's chance of Europe. It's a decent guess, not a promise. Football's daft.

We pull real stories from the BBC, the Guardian and Sky Sports. Each one gets our headline and our take, written only from what the original says, with a link to it. The take is opinion. The facts are theirs.

Before anything goes up it's checked: no numbers or names that aren't in the original, no invented quotes, no copying their headline, no American spellings, no stock robot phrases and no swearing for the sake of it. If it fails, a human looks at it first.

Nah. Nowt to do with Newcastle United, Sunderland or the Premier League. It's a fan site for a laugh. It's 18+, because there's swearing. We take the piss out of clubs and results, never ordinary supporters, and never anyone's injuries or private life.